Facing my loss

After the MotoGP weekend, I made it down to my house in San Diego, currently occupied by Joel, his big hairy dog and his sweet little cat. I asked him if I could have an afternoon there myself and he agreed.I wanted some time to go through some things and I knew it was going to be tough.

And it was. In the entryway is John-Mark’s signed helmet from his memorial along with the big photo of him. Around the house, photos  us are stashed in drawers and our racing photos are on the walls. TI was taken by surprise by a few things, like his dirtbike helmet that still smells like him, and his finding the under armor shirt they cut off him. I don’t remember leaving my house this way, I don’t remember all of these things. I don’t know what I have given away and what I still have. I just remember feeling compelled to make many, many changes to the house including paint and furniture and selling all kinds of things. Then I couldn’t take either so rather than sell my house at a very bad time in the market, I left to make a different life for myself over here, one that did not remind me every second that  it couldn’t ever be the same.

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I am still working out all my feelings, in fact I believe I have just started. But the episodes of spontaneous bawling in inappropriate places seem to have stopped. They aren’t sneaking out like they had to before, I actually give them time now. But facing my feelings led me realize I need to make another big change in my life. I am isolated and alone out here – I have no transportation and very little contact with more than a handful of people each day. I just don’t see people for most of my time here and that is not good for me. It is hard to live here for many reasons – but for this reason it is too hard. So I resigned from my job.

I will be moving back to Spain in a few weeks. From there I’m not positive what will happen, but rest assured, it will be interesting.

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