Wherein I criticise my fellow US citizens fashion sense

I love my country, but I have some criticisms about people here. Lots of them, actually, but today I’m going to comment on our appearances in the corporate workplace.

First, gentlemen, what is the deal with the lack of grooming? It’s not unmanly to make sure that at age 36 your ear hair does not disgust your neighbor in the work team meeting. It is irresponsible is what it is. Wayward eyebrows and hair growing out of the top of your noses should be left for when you are 89 and don’t care anymore. And if you are married and have any of this going on, you definitely need to fire your wife because making sure you don’t look like this is in part of the job description.

Moving onto clothes. The American corporate culture (among others) dress really f-ing poorly. People, you need to buy clothes that fit you. That means pants, shirts, shoes, undergarments – everything. Dudes, your dockers need to at least reach the tops of your shoes. In fact they need form a break above the ankle, but we will move onto that when we cure you of the fear of shoe dirt on your pant hem. Also. Buy the correct waist size, ok? I know you are deathly afraid of appearing the slightest bit “gay”, but buying pants 3 waist sizes too large, year after year, just looks sloppy. Seeing a hint of the shape of your ass is not a bad thing. That’s why they curve the seat area. This goes for shirts too. Swimming in a sea of blue fabric is prison wear, not office wear. But hey, here is the good news. Your socks? Crazy as you want them to be. Really! Go nuts with them. As long as they aren’t white. Unless of course you are wearing running shoes, and are in fact, going running Then white is OK. Don’t even get me started on workout wear as office wear.

Ladies, I am talking to you too. If you are not a size 4, don’t buy a size four. Or, if you must have that size hanging in your closet so you can keep that delusion going, have a couple of big girl pants and skirts that you wear while you wait for whatever it is you are waiting for. By the way, stretched out purple cable knit sweaters were never intended to be worn to the office. Those are for cleaning out the garage when it’s cold, or painting in, or washing your giant Newfoundland dog in. Undergarments are important too. V necked sweaters over strapless tube dresses form a strange X shape on your chest and it’s visually disturbing.

Fellow citizens, please choose the correct size teeth.

It’s great that we go to long lengths to take care of the teeth, and I agree that their appearance is important. I mean, some of the chompers I see in Spain are, to put it bluntly, frightening. I don’t just mean crooked. I mean such rich shades of brown I am certain they brush with tobacco. And snarls so broken and overlapped I wonder how they can close their mouths. In fact, I have seen many an errant tooth poking out of a lip, prompting me to quickly look away lest they smile.

But no, there is a limit people. One can go overboard. Straightening, whitening, whatever – it’s all good. But if you are going to replace your real teeth with big shiny fake ones, then they must fit the mouth they are in. See, not only do they look strange, but we can hear if they do not fit you. You may as well stick Chiclets on your teeth and hold a business meeting while trying to talk through the giant gum squares. It just doesn’t do you any good in the whole gaining respect arena.


6 thoughts on “Wherein I criticise my fellow US citizens fashion sense

  1. I can totally overlook the clothes IF you ride a bike or motorcycle to work. Or run, or even walk to work (as if). The grooming however, there is just no excuse for letting that go unchecked.

  2. I’ve never worn overly baggy pants, but… I’m not a huge fan of the tight “girl pants” that are all the rage with hipsters today though. I think a good rule of thumb of proper fitment is “Your pants should be self-sustaining, eg: stay up without a belt”.

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