Dear people in the airport with children,
I’m concerned about your health, I truly am. You see, it’s impossible for a normal human being to remain unaffected by the atrocious behavior of your child. Because when your child repeatedly rams that hard plastic pink travel case she is riding, into peoples shins, you just continue your inane phone conversation as you watch, nonplussed. (Who the hell invented a child’s carry-on/scooter combination anyway? I think the last thing you want is something to slow your journey through they airport even more. Let’s give the kid a bag she won’t even drag, she has to scoot it through the airport. My, how clever. )
And when the person your horrible child just rolled back and forth in front eighteen times, making him perform a kind of little dance and move his bag around to hold his place in line, shoots eye daggers at you, you are supposed to respond. In case you forgot what actually happens in polite society, that is a nonverbal social cue. Yeah, it is. It means you need to act. When you do attempt eye contact, you unbelievably seem to be expecting a smile from the stranger your kid just tripped. And all the other 457 adults subjected to the little attention whore wheeling as close as she can to people’s feet, then checking them for a reaction.
So ease up on that Bailey’s and Percoset breakfast combo. Or perhaps it’s time to cut back on that extremely high dose of Benzodiapines you must be taking. You’ve got some serious kid-ass to kick and you are gonna need all your faculties.