I’ve been using some unconventional therapies to get to the bottom of what exactly happened/is happening to me, as I mentioned in my last post. They are working. I will probably share what they are here soon, but I need to get deeper into them and understand how they are working better before I do.
The only way I was able to discover them was because I found some resources that described exactly my intense and overwhelming feelings of loss that were so out of proportion to the reality of the relationship. These resources not only resonated with me by providing scenario after scenario describing my reactions exactly, but also described physiological explanations as to why. Why it so resembled an addiction (because it acts the same way in the brain), including the withdrawal symptoms, and why it should be treated as such.
So in short, this overblown emotional reaction was triggered due to unintegrated attachment trauma. The profound need to stay with a lover/partner is the same drive that a wounded child unconsciously carried throughout childhood. The dire need to be with someone who does not care for us are triggers the devastating feelings that the child’s mind was not able to handle because he/she would be crushed by the reality of being ignored, neglected, betrayed, abandoned, or abused. So this drive gets activated in our mind in our current adult relationships and we are caught in this wildly incongruent longing to be with someone we know is not right for us (guilty as charged).
One way to work with this is to take the focus (projection) off of the other person and go into childhood grief. This is what I have been doing with these therapies I’ve been involved in. When the underlying driver is an attachment injury, then the current intensity has nothing to do with the other adult partner. It has to do with a nervous system that is waking up to a lifetime of being ignored.
I always sort of knew this on some level, and I recognized this in other friends too, but I had no idea how to “fix” it and honestly didn’t try that hard to do so. Until this latest episode. I really hit rock bottom through trying to distract myself from the pain of the rejection from this person. I ended up in a few precarious situations where I met up with random men and even traveled to meet strangers, all in the hopes of finding someone to pull my attention away from the target of my obsession. It just made me sadder and more desperate, but that kept me searching for reasons and relief. Which I seem to have found. It is a process but not nearly as long as years of therapy, and I can happily say that I am out of the pit of despair I fell into.
I still have a long way to go, but I’ve stopped my destructive behaviors and (most of) the distractions and am working really, really hard on releasing the old traumas. I have a feeling this whole thing is going to change my life.