It’s been a couple of months now, and the giddy freedom of being single has worn off and, early as it is, I am looking for some kind of relationship. Well, let me correct that: I was never intentionally looking that I was aware of, but I fell very quickly for someone. Someone inappropriate, of course: Single but emotionally unavailable (though he came on very strong at first), very far away, much younger than me…actually, I was starting to cling to someone else of the EXACT same description (though a less exciting person and thus not nearly as intense) until this guy came along. So it was bound to happen, whether it was with this guy or someone else…
Long story short, after meeting and communicating and lots of future talk and dreaming together, I was revved up about a new and exciting future. Ready for it and ready for it to happen TOMORROW. Then of course came his retreat and my chasing him (which was bound to happen for how fast and furious I was going – I would have done the same had the positions been reversed). And then came lots of anxiety and tears on my part. Lots. Like way, way out of proportion.
Cut to: Me turning into a total, complete emotional wreck. Leaving public situations to go cry. Waking myself up sobbing in the middle of the night. Feeling total, complete despair and fear. Like the rug had completely been pulled out from under me and I have nothing to look forward to and no direction. Feeling totally alone and lost. What does this resemble? Oh yeah. This is triggering everything I went through–or perhaps did not go through–eight years ago today…
So the floodgates have been opened. Evidently because six of the last seven years I have been in a safe relationship. Safe, in that I was somewhat emotionally detached and safe in that I knew he would never, ever leave me. And that let me keep all those emotions and feelings of loss in check.
I am here in Rhode Island with my family. Afraid to return to Barcelona and be alone. Feeling like this will never end, will never lessen in intensity. Dealing with my misplaced feelings of loss because they make more sense this way, pining for and crying over someone else. But if I really think about my sadness over the loss of this potential partner, potential future and new exciting life, I am brought back to the core of where this is all coming from.
I am focused on the near future and the current person that I miss, but I see how I am also reliving my loss of JM eight years ago. There are many parallels, it’s like I am recreating the entire situation anew. I’m now suddenly alone and missing someone I can’t have. My future plans are there no longer. There is nothing keeping me in the place I am living, nothing keeping me anywhere and my interest in everything is forced at the moment, to just keep myself doing things, putting one foot in front of the other, even if it is a circle I am going in. Why would I do this? Why would I recreate the same situation? I don’t yet fully understand.
So I will try to focus on the good things that are coming, or will come out of this:
- I am forced to reach out to my friends and family, who have been responsive and wonderful. Better than wonderful. I am being shown a lot of love and kindness right now.
- I am feeling things intensely. I am surprised at how strongly I can feel for another person. I had forgotten. It is now extremely painful, but I’m alive.
- I started therapy again to work through some of these emotions and physical reactions that are happening to me. Perhaps I will come out the other side more whole. Or a better person, or happier, or something. I don’t know what yet but it can’t be worse.
- I’ve see that I was looking for someone else to fix this for me, to give me direction. Which I always denied but was exactly what I was doing. So maybe I can try to stop that, or at least step back from that a little.
I am still free falling, I have no idea how or where I will land. But I will eventually. I know that logically, but my insides are not yet convinced.