I figured I would start to write my progress here, since the whole blog began with this journey six months after JM died and I escaped my life by moving to Spain.
I am doing everything I can to move through this, I want to get through. I know I cannot go around or run away without it eventually catching me and then hitting me with more intensity than ever. Do not want that! I can’t even handle this much.
My sorrow is so displaced. I panic when I think of letting go of this other relationship even though it is clearly over and probably never really was anything real to begin with. The idea is too frightening. It’s as if I need SOMETHING, anything, to mentally fall back on, however delusional. So I am clinging to the last strands of hope with this other relationship while frantically looking for another (I can’t help myself). This is my distraction. Being all alone with nothing is too frightening and too empty feeling.
I truly want to let this go, I want all these feelings for this other person to end, I want to be done with it completely, I want the indifference that he feels. I want my emotions to be in proportion with what is actually happening in my life. But I can’t force it. Maybe this is the catalyst to move me through these emotions. Maybe I am so far removed that I needed something to trigger them, some loss and rejection that really, really hurts to bring them all to the surface.
I sure wish it wasn’t this guy though. I wish it were someone I cared less about. Someone who would let me down more gently, to let it be in part my decision. Either that, or that he would be clear with me that it is totally over and done, instead of leaving me crumbs, so I can delete every bit of him from my life and let go. Because I totally get his indifference. I have and am acting the exact same way with other lovers in my life. I know how little I really think about them and how at first I gave them lots of attention and thought about future plans with them (albeit with far less intensity than I did with this current obsession). And that is what kills me, because I know exactly how little importance I am to him.
I’ve written sooo many paragraphs of what I want to say to him. How I will tell him that I am saying goodbye and these are the reasons. That helps a little. I have actually sent a few of them and he counters with some crumb of hope and I can’t let go. And the worst is that I know he is not for me. Like it wouldn’t last because of being in different stages of life to be honest. For some damn reason I think this is serving a purpose. A terrible, painfully out of proportion purpose.
I feel no different than yesterday. I am fighting contacting him and feel a stab of panic when I see he is online. I know if I wrote something he would respond, I could have a little jolt of dopamine when he pays me some attention. I could prolong the inevitable a little longer.
I’ll cry over this again today, multiple times. This is what the last month has been like. More than a month, because even when we were in contact every day I still had this panicky feeling that he would leave. Because I knew it was wrong, I chose him for a reason. I just don’t quite understand why I am creating this situation again.
Meanwhile, I am trying to put one foot in front of the other to make other things happen in my life. It is hard to concentrate but progress is being made in some areas. I closed on my house sale in Rhode Island and got the place partially ready to rent. I got all my paperwork and switched things into my name. All in a fog, and with zero sense of accomplishment or excitement. A year ago all this would have thrilled me. It all feels empty now, but I will benefit from it and someday maybe I can even feel happy or satisfied with this. So I guess in some areas of my life I am slogging forward.