One thing seems to be working

I haven’t felt much like writing since I have felt stuck in the same loop until two days ago. Like I said in a previous post, I am trying everything. I am now medicated, which is helping take the panic away. But I have been learning something about this “condition” where I obsess over making a relationship work because the terror of the person leaving literally feels like I will die.

It’s all linked to the past, of course. This is triggering old stuff, which I knew, but what I didn’t know what the chemical reactions going on in the brain that draw me back to this person and the pain, actually.

Perhaps I will write about this soon, when I figure out a little bit more. It’s a little airy fairy, so I am reluctant to post here until I can make more sense of it. But as I said, I am willing to try ANYTHING to get through this, and so I am. I’ve had reiki, sacral cranial therapy (that stirred up some serious shit), seen a psychologist, a psychiatrist…and now done something call quanta freedom healing which is the only thing that seems to have had ANY effect at all. I’ve done it the last two days, and these two days were the first in two months where I have been able to concentrate on anything at all, and in addition, I’ve had moments where I actually believe I can get through this and over this person. I’m not done, clearly. It’s still really, really a struggle to let go and ridiculous that at this point I am still hanging on after all the rejection. But…whereas I could not even imagine letting go (it made me panic), I can imagine it now, and can believe that I can be emotionally independent at some point.

So there is some light at the end of the tunnel.

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2 thoughts on “One thing seems to be working

  1. This so much reads like the experience of a friend of mine who suffers from PTSD – for a long time after the catastrophic trauma she kept on running on adrenaline at a million miles an hour, not running to any great purpose but just running, doing things, making changes, and then one day something happened that put a small spanner in the works for a while, just enough to stop her running for a couple or three weeks, and the whole world crashed in on her as her demons caught up with her. Everybody else knows what her demons are, understands the horror of what she has been through, most people thought she was coping amazingly well and had put it all behind her, but it turns out she’d just been staying one step ahead of them for the most part, but when they caught up with her they gave her a horribly savage kicking, and all but destroyed her. She’s apparently on the way back now after some fairly ground breaking therapy for PTSD… time will tell…

    I’m no medical professional whatsoever, but if you’ve not talked about PTSD with somebody who is one, maybe you might choose to?

    Cheers…

    • It is related to PTSD, it’s C-PTSD actually. But talk therapy isn’t going to get me through. I studied psychology for 7 years and went to therapy for about 4 or 5 15 years ago or so. And the therapies I have been trying now, which have to do with releasing emotions and trauma from the BODY, strange as it sounds, have worked 100x as fast as analytical therapies every did.

      We can understand something logically, but emotionally we are still that 5 year old who is recreating the traumatic situation they lived through in order to resolve it. But of course that never happens because we are dealing with people who are not the ones who hurt us.

      Anyway, yes your analysis is correct and I am treating it as such! Thank you 🙂

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