I haven’t felt much like writing since I have felt stuck in the same loop until two days ago. Like I said in a previous post, I am trying everything. I am now medicated, which is helping take the panic away. But I have been learning something about this “condition” where I obsess over making a relationship work because the terror of the person leaving literally feels like I will die.
It’s all linked to the past, of course. This is triggering old stuff, which I knew, but what I didn’t know what the chemical reactions going on in the brain that draw me back to this person and the pain, actually.
Perhaps I will write about this soon, when I figure out a little bit more. It’s a little airy fairy, so I am reluctant to post here until I can make more sense of it. But as I said, I am willing to try ANYTHING to get through this, and so I am. I’ve had reiki, sacral cranial therapy (that stirred up some serious shit), seen a psychologist, a psychiatrist…and now done something call quanta freedom healing which is the only thing that seems to have had ANY effect at all. I’ve done it the last two days, and these two days were the first in two months where I have been able to concentrate on anything at all, and in addition, I’ve had moments where I actually believe I can get through this and over this person. I’m not done, clearly. It’s still really, really a struggle to let go and ridiculous that at this point I am still hanging on after all the rejection. But…whereas I could not even imagine letting go (it made me panic), I can imagine it now, and can believe that I can be emotionally independent at some point.
So there is some light at the end of the tunnel.