Side effects

Just about three months ago, I was on a train to New York having a panic attack (the first and only in my life) because I was so frightened of returning to Barcelona that evening. I was afraid that I would feel even more lonely and full of despair than I already was in the presence of my family who really took care of me for the ten days I was visiting them in Rhode Island.

It is nearly impossible to describe the turnaround I have gone through. I am shocked at how quickly I moved through this sudden and intense pain and got to a stable, and even happy, place. I had to face some serious pain, for sure, but let me tell you – I was ready.

I don’t think I would ever have gotten to this place without the slap in the face from…I don’t know, the Universe?…that I really needed to face this old, old trauma. My previous long term relationship did not trigger any of these abandonment issue with me, which is likely why I was in it, and why I stayed in it so long. (Who am I kidding? That IS the reason I was in it and stayed.)

I have continued with these “healing therapies”, which is the best term I can find for them, and moved through old issues and even discovered others that I was never aware of. Issues my parents carried that I picked up and carried for them as a child, unconsciously of course. I am discovering things I have never been conscious of in my life. It is quite exciting to be honest. They don’t scare me at all though, I am only fascinated by them. Because I have a tool now.

The most interesting thing is that there have been several situations that have shown me how I have changed in other ways too due to this healing I have been doing. For example, a friend was angry with me for unknown reasons (a complete misunderstanding it turned out), sent me a harsh and upsetting message, and refused my calls and did not read my text messages. Normally this would have really upset me and I would have gone to great lengths to contact her and find out what was going on, what the misunderstanding was – anything so she wasn’t upset with me. I would have worried that she would think poorly of me and that I could potentially lose her friendship. I automatically started to go to this place out of habit: I began thinking what I could say to her and how I could get her to talk to me. But in the middle of it, literally 5 minutes into this process, I understood that this was her issue completely, and that it really had nothing to do with me. She would come around if she was going to at all. And I just didn’t need to turn all this over in my head. I was totally OK with it. Not upset, not worried, not bothered. Just fully confident that whatever she was dealing with would resolve itself, or not, but that I wasn’t going to change her perception. And that was it. I did not dwell on it. And a week and half later she contacted me, apologized, and everything was fine, like I knew it would be.

A similar thing happened with my neighbor two days later – he was angry with me and yelled at me and I really didn’t care. I realized I would not change his mind and he would not listen to whatever I said, so I dropped it. I didn’t go home and think about the things I should have said, or what I would say when we met in the building entrance. I could not access that part of me that used to do that. I truly detached from it, to my great surprise.

I am definitely at a somewhat of plateau now in that I am having trouble accessing any painful feelings at all. This is shocking, considering that fewer than three months ago I emotionally felt that I would never, ever get through any of what I was dealing with. Sure, I knew logically that I would, but my emotional body did not believe that. My emotional body felt like I would be annihilated if I let go of that person. Any contact whatsoever, negative or positive, was a relief for me. It was like a drug.

And another side effect is that I find myself attracted to emotionally healthier people. People who are available in every way and who seem to be OK with the absence of an infatuation stage of a love relationship, which is the only thing I have ever experienced. If it wasn’t there I wasn’t interested. But I’m suddenly OK with that being gone, and am learning to relax and see the people I am dating for who they are and not put them into some fantasy version of my own creation.

This is all very new, I don’t even know if any of this will change in a week, a month, or never. I don’t know what to expect at all. But…it continues to be one of the most interesting times in my life!