Where

It hurts to breathe. I can barely put one foot in front of the other, and then when I do, I ask: to what end? Where will this take me?

The answer is unbearable: it will take me the only direction there is. Further from where I want to be. Further from my life with him. Further from the future we had planned. Further from the dreams we were forming together with so much joy and excitement.  Further from the happiest time in my life.

Every night, when we climbed into bed and held each other, one of us asked, “What’s this?”  and the other answered “This is the best part of my life.” These steps are taking me further from the best part of my life.

I have no signs of him. I beg for them every day. I am looking for him. He is not here.

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