I know nothing

I did not think it was possible to miss you more. But this week, these days leading up to the holidays – I feel like you have been gone and you will return soon. It physically hurts knowing that won’t happen.

My body knows we should be in the mountains, in the snow, skiing, celebrating at your family’s place, together. My body is anticipating the drives up to the mountains, waiting for them. My body is waiting to follow you down the ski slope, press my cold lips to yours, hold hands near the fire, wrap ourselves in each other under blankets in the cold air of the cabin. My body reacts to a whistle in the street, as if it is you calling me to the balcony to say come on, let’s go….My body does not yet know.

My mind says try hard. Search for reasons to live, for ways to get through each day, each week. But I smell the snow, hear a whistle outside, and for a moment my body says I am ready, let’s go, until my brain can remind me: These plans will not happen. We will never make new memories, our future will never be.

There is no where for this energy to go. It comes out as tears, but it is still too much. No distractions help me, there is no relief. My world implodes and I fold up into myself until a long time passes. Sometimes it is hours until I can get up again. Until my body finally says yes, I see. I don’t understand, but I see how it is.

I only want to be with you, and people who love you.

I did not think it possible to miss you any more.  But I did not yet know.