I couldn’t bring myself to write on the anniversary of his death 2 1/2 months ago.The notion that I will never see him again is too big. I faced it and felt it so deeply for so long, nearly ten months, until I could not embrace so much sorrow any longer. I had been going to every and all form of therapy and support groups, doing meditation, self care, acupuncture, spiritual practices, searching for meaning…that’s what I thought I was supposed to do. That’s what I didn’t do last time. That’s what I thought would help. But nothing ever did, ever does. I got angry and quit all of it.
I got sick of embracing a soul crushing pain that never lessened. Sick of feeling like I was under water, moving slower than the world, unable to make sense of the frenzy of life going on around me. Sick of not knowing who I was anymore.
And I think I very nearly went down the rabbit hole; I came very close to losing my mind. I was certainly on the brink of something dark and frightening and I am not sure what it was. Maybe I was on the edge of enlightenment or maybe I was going to break. Whatever, wherever I was, I believed it led to a place I wouldn’t come back from, so I stepped back. I put my attentions on distractions and all the bullshit you do when you don’t know how to manage your feelings. Maybe someday I will regret this. Or maybe I will celebrate this. Who knows.
For his anniversary I spent the weekend with his family up in the mountains. We went to the ridge where we spread his ashes a year ago. It was beautiful and it sucked. Beautiful because the love we share for him brought us together, his sweet memories reside in all of us. It sucked for obvious reasons.
I thought pages and pages would pour out of me on his anniversary, but I couldn’t face it. Maybe I won’t ever again, I have no idea. I effectively turned off a switch and it could very well come back to bite me very hard later. Or maybe not, maybe I’m through something. But I’m not over anything. I’m trying to rebuild my life again, but this weight is always with me. I miss him and the future I lost with him so goddamn much.
I’ll never get over my losses, nor should I, nor should anyone. I can heal, I can rebuild myself, but I will never be the same. I shouldn’t be and I don’t want to be.