I get myself into trouble. I date, with no self-honesty and no foresight.
I close myself off, really overdo the good-time girl persona, and leave men in my wake. This makes me feel powerful and in control. I love it for a while, until I suddenly start having feelings for someone who was never supposed to be anything other than entertainment. And because I entered asking for nothing, the stage has been set to receive nothing. So I move on and distract myself, before any feelings can deepen. Except when they catch me out, when I start to misinterpret ‘the hunt’ for something else. When I read the affection and attention for more what they are: strategies men take on to melt me a little.
I pay dearly when this happens. It is my own doing, I cannot blame anyone for disappointing or hurting me. I cannot be angry with anyone who does not reciprocate or act the way I suddenly am asking them to. I set the stage with low expectations and that is what I receive. Crumbs, because I never had the courage to put myself out there in the first place.