Crumbs

I get myself into trouble. I date, with no self-honesty and no foresight. 

I close myself off, really overdo the good-time girl persona, and leave men in my wake. This makes me feel powerful and in control. I love it for a while, until I suddenly start having feelings for someone who was never supposed to be anything other than entertainment. And because I entered asking for nothing, the stage has been set to receive nothing. So I move on and distract myself, before any feelings can deepen. Except when they catch me out, when I start to misinterpret ‘the hunt’ for something else. When I read the affection and attention for more what they are: strategies men take on to melt me a little. 

I pay dearly when this happens. It is my own doing, I cannot blame anyone for disappointing or hurting me. I cannot be angry with anyone who does not reciprocate or act the way I suddenly am asking them to. I set the stage with low expectations and that is what I receive. Crumbs, because I never had the courage to put myself out there in the first place. 

 

Nicky Hayden

I recently dreamed that Nicky Hayden asked me out on a date. He only hinted at it, he didn’t directly ask me. There were other people around and I got the feeling he wanted to be low key or just not so direct. So I rather coyly pressed him on what he was trying to say, and he then asked to spend time with me. I was excited and flattered that Nicky Hayden (or more accurately, what he represents to me) was interested in spending time with me.

At some point in the dream I started to wonder if he knew I lost two partners. Then I thought, maybe that’s why he asked me out, because I could commiserate because he had lost a partner. Then I realized I had it backward –  it was him who was lost, he was the dead one, not his girlfriend.

And then I got depressed because he was already dead. I thought “These are the only men who are interested in me. The dead ones.”

It’s the dead guys who love me.