I was lucky enough to be loved by someone I admired and respected. Someone who allowed me into his heart and mind, who shared his secrets, his pain, his ideas, dreams, his fears and so many things he shared with no one else in the world.
He forgave all my faults and mistakes with a smile on his face and love in his heart. He asked me to forgive his mistakes and let him learn from them. He actively asked for feedback on his progress. He loved me enough to be fully present, to show me the human being he was. I was so lucky for this.
But a bomb was dropped on my life and everything familiar, everything I thought I knew for certain and believed in, is now in shambles. I struggle to find myself.
I am rendered weaponless in the face of this sadness. There is no forgetting, moving on, “stopping” myself thinking about him (as if that were even possible). The pain of losing Albert will not just end one day. Time does not heal all wounds. It doesn’t ever end, I know. I learned to live with the pain of losing JM. Now I have to learn to live with the pain of losing Albert. It is the price I paid for loving him so much.
We were absolutely sure of each other. Two months into the relationship we talked about marriage. And from then on we only alluded to it because we both understood that the day he proposed would be a surprise.
Life was magic with him. I was lucky for this.
But life without him
is hardly a life at all.